Why can’t I write?
I can’t write. I don’t mean in a physical sense; my hands and eyes are working fine. I also don’t mean that I can’t write because my writing sucks (although that is probably true since I don’t write enough). Let me explain: I get a wonderful idea for a story or a line for a poem and in the few seconds it takes to get to the keyboard or grab the pen, the idea fades.
Fades might not be the right word; the idea remains in my head. What doesn’t happen? Transforming the idea into a creation. My fingers resist the urge to express my thoughts. It’s an issue with decoding the neurological into the physical (or digital). My ambitious writing goals for 2024 will fail if I don’t do something. (Note: spell check wanted to correct my spelling of ambitious with ambiguous — huh, is the universe telling me something?)
I keep thinking about the cause of my creative dysfunction and have narrowed down the list to these.
lack of confidence
preoccupation with the state of the world
possessed by a lazy spirit
fear
Regardless of the cause(s), I need a solution. I write this hoping that this self-analysis of my problem will trigger something in my brain or that someone will read this and offer some sound advice (unsound works too). Here goes!
Lack of Confidence
Guilty. I am always second-guessing myself, especially about what and how I write. Yet, this lack of confidence has not prevented me from hitting submit or publish and thus is not the likely reason for my recent troubles. This is muscle memory at this point from all the years I was on Twitter.
I’ve read plenty of posts about writing to know that confidence issues are not unique to me. Many writers suffer from confidence, likely because of imposter syndrome.
A few years back, I taught a couple of college level sociology courses. I frequently had to fight the confidence issue before each lecture. The mind raced with the thought: ‘Am I qualified to lecture on this topic?’ The jitters created by this feeling also drove the adrenaline that allowed me in step front of the room and speak on a topic for one hour plus a few times a week. That’s my version of an adrenaline junkie.
Conclusion: Not the issue.
Preoccupation with the state of the world
Yes, who isn’t? Between the war in Ukraine and the one in Palestine, the world seems to have forgotten to take its meds.
Let me not get started on U.S. politics and the choice we have of picking the least worrisome of the old men. How about this Congress? One of the least productive in history. They thrive and focus on soundbites vs legislation.
We as a nation don’t seem to care as long as we are entertained and the news media is happy to oblige.
But! Is this affecting my issue? I don’t think so. As a child of the ‘70s, I grew up with the threat of nuclear annihilation, recessions, inflation, Ronald Reagan, and many other scary things. This was the environment that launched my desire to write and I wrote a great deal back then, especially when I discovered cafes and cigarettes. I thought I was the next Jack Kerouac or Fish.
Conclusion: Not the issue.
Possessed by the spirit of a former lazy person
OK, hear me out. Some of you might think this is ridiculous, but all those ghostly movies can’t be wrong. As a Christian, I often pray one of the many prayers asking God or the saints to protect us from evil spirits. If we need protection, then that means they can hurt us (I saw Warrior Nun, I know).
I imagine that these spirits walk among us and sometimes the wires get crossed and boom, one is squatting inside our body and feeling right at home. Maybe, mine just happens to be the ghost of a lazy writer. Maybe one of those famous ones who only wrote one novel (Google it).
OK, far-fetched but hard to prove or disprove without an exorcism (do they even do those anymore?).
Conclusion: Possibly a contributing factor can’t be ruled out.
Fear
This one is absurd. I don’t fear pens, pencils, paper, or computer keyboards.
Honestly, I was reluctant to include fear, but that is why I included it. Fear can take many forms. I already mentioned the lack of confidence issue. That is a type of fear.
Let me provide the backstory of how I got to include fear without intending to.
I’ve been watching a series on Netflix, The Kominsky Method. There is this one scene where Sandy Kiminsky challenges one of his students, Darshani, to drop the cool act. Darshani character is this cool, young, but guarded person. Dressed all in black, black hair, leather jacket, you know the type. He says to her after she performs a scene from Apocalypse Now.
Sandy: Darshani, why did you pick that monologue?
Darshani: I thought it’d be cool…gender bending.
Sandy: You’ve never once committed to being honest with your work here. And you know why? Because you’re afraid to show us who you really are.
Eventually, Darshani breaks down and shares with Sandy and the class her childhood experiences, which forced her to have to be tough. This share allowed her to become a better actor since she could get relate to the emotions she needed for the role.
This scene struck a chord with me. I realize that one barrier I have with writing is my fear. My fear of exposing my flaws and weaknesses. This is not a fear of writing but a fear of sharing something that makes real a flaw, weakness, or buried emotion. My soul.
This is the difference between the current me and the tormented young man I was who wrote in Greenwich Village cafes, thinking he was the next post-Beatnik poet. I was vulnerable, but passionate. In love with my craft. I was willing to pour my heart on a paper napkin, a menu, or any old piece of paper. At some point, I lost that innocence and, along with it, the ability to capture my feelings and share them with real or virtual ink. Sad.
Conclusion: Likely the main cause of the problem.
Next Steps
Writing this is one of my first steps. This personal piece has taken a while to get from my head to the keyboard, but it is finally in a readable draft mode. Will this make me a better and more prolific writer? Probably not, but it opens the door a bit to let the fear of vulnerability see some fresh light.
If you got this far into the piece, please share any tips or stories of how you overcame your writing obstacles.
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Thanks for reading.
Originally published on Medium on 2024-01-30.